Saturday, June 25, 2011

NLL offseason to-do lists

By Graeme Perrow

Down Goes Brown recently managed to get his hands on the to-do lists for a number of NHL teams, and wrote an article summarizing them. I was sure that the various NLL teams had similar lists, so I contacted my sources and lo and behold, I managed to get hold the aforementioned lists.

Boston Blazers – We need more former MVPs. Figure out a way to get Jeff Shattler down here.

Buffalo Bandits – JT says he's almost out of that Fountain of Youth water. Someone needs to head down to Tortuga to find that guy who knows where to get more.

Calgary Roughnecks – Ignore phone calls from the Boston Blazers.

Colorado Mammoth – Turns out the fans do like to see the Mammoth win at home. Fire that guy who said winning didn't matter. Don't remember his name, but he used to work for the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Edmonton Rush – We won 2 of 3 against Washington last year and destroyed Toronto in the last game, so let's try to schedule lots of games against those losers next season. Avoid Calgary.

Minnesota Swarm – The "Dress in 1890's men's bathing suits" promotion was a big hit last year, so this year we're going to shake it up again and have Lady Gaga design the jerseys.

Philadelphia Wings – We're an American team, we should have American players! Say goodbye to those Canadians, like Miller, Wray, Iannucci, and Dawson, and say hello to the playoffs!

Rochester Knighthawks – Likin' all the individual awards we picked up at the end of last year, but I have a feeling there's a big team one we didn't really come close to getting. Can't... quite... remember... Plus, nobody named Gait has been hired, fired, signed, or retired in months. Must get on that.

Toronto Rock – I seem to remember something about a veteran player retiring, but I talked to Colin Doyle yesterday and he's definitely coming back. Looks like we're good to go!

Washington Stealth – Come up with creative ways to bring the fans in. Two finals appearances and one championship in two seasons is obviously not enough – this "have a successful team" idea might have been good on paper, but it just isn't working.

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